Funded!

My Kickstarter closed at approximately 8:00 am Monday morning with the closing fund reaching 103%. It happened! 

I sat on that project for so long just terrified. Once I launched the project I felt a little silly. I sat there thinking about how it's around the holidays so people are busy buying things and don't have change to spare. About 2 weeks in we reached Black Friday. Oh great. Who would worry about what I was doing on my Kickstarter when there were sales at Walmart to be had! 

But I was surprised. I was surprised again and again and again. All the shares I got from people who said incredibly kind things about me and my music. The amount people who were donating. The average donation rate was around 55 dollars, which is more than double the 25 dollar average that most projects receive. 

The generosity of people I barely knew to people I hadn't seen in years to my close friends is something I'll never forget. 

Everyone who shared, prayed, donated or all of it- 

Thank you.

Ocean

***Read to the end in order to see an exclusive performance of  a song that will be featured on the album!

A couple of years ago I was playing a show at Kilby Court in SLC. After I played Rob LeCheminant came up to me and offered to record a couple of songs I performed. I was all for it! On one of the last days I was there with him I showed him a song I had just written a day or two before. We recorded half of it and planned on getting back to it later. 

When I hired Rob to produce my album Oaks & Ashes I had all of my songs figured out, but then he asked me a question. 

 "Do you remember 'Ocean'?"

I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he pulled out that old recording from 2 years ago. I was baffled. I wrote that? 

I had completely forgotten. 

After a few listens Rob picked up the guitar and actually re-taught me the first half of my own song. 

I went home and the second half of it all came back to me in a flood. 

I think it was fitting that it came back to me now in this way. I feel this song. This song incapsulates so much of how I feel and how I live. 

I crave my dreams. I crave my passion. But years pass and it seems like I'm unmovable.

I'm not going to give you the full meaning of the song 'cause I think it has a separate meaning for everyone who'll read and hear it and that is its purpose. My music is meant to form to you and your life.

Ocean

There are certain kinds of words that make me,

there are certain kinds of sounds that undo me. 

There's a certain kind of boy that makes me wonder,

and makes my heart feel like it could surrender. 

Trees are steady, they are still- but they are changing,

and I am like that little tree- a steady wondering.

I know every little thing will make me wonder,

and make my heart feel like it could surrender.

Color me an ocean, I can wait. 

Just give me something I can hold onto

Color me and ocean I can wait,

Color me. 

Color me and ocean, I can wait.

Just give me something I can hold onto

Color me and ocean, I can wait

Just give me something I can hold.

I will give you this small interpretation of it, however. I hope it's not too much. 

In the beginning of this song I'm trying to comfort myself in my situation. I'm attempting to be strong and feel strong. 

In the second half I let go. 

I just completely break down in this point. I'm not solid in the ground like I was telling myself earlier. I'm in a passionless reality hoping and literally praying that my hard work will take me out -but I realize that I need help. 

I need something to hold onto.

*I start the song around 29:--

***The video here is from an interview I did with 'Kickcast'- which is a great podcast that goes over kickstarter projects. It reviews them, tells you what's a dud and what's a back. 

Oaks & Ashes

I keep going back and forth about writing this post. You may reject me. But I'm here. I'm already typing so I'm here I go. 

Last night I put new strings on my guitar. As I was playing with the new, clear sound I started to sing to the minor chords I was strumming. The words came out so easily:

What if all the air rejected my lungs?

What if all I am turned into all I was?

I surprised myself. So often music brings out the words I don't know how to put to my feelings. 

I knew the ledge. I knew the road. I know the emptiness. 

I've lived in that fear. 

Sometimes it's hard to have that desire to go on and to live. As selfish as it is, as ridiculous as it may seem- it is a thorn in my side and I did not invite it there. 

So I sing. 

My music as literally saved my life many times. It has healed my soul. It has lifted my spirit- it has let me feel when feeling seemed beyond reach. 

**********

I'm sure many of you know about my Kickstarter that I'm doing for my new album "Oaks &Ashes". 

Many people ask about that title. 

Let me tell you about it. 

There's this company in England that makes these bio-degradable urns and on top of those urns is a seed. You can choose what kind of tree or plant will grow through your ashes.

Kinda cool, huh!

I want to be an oak tree.

See what I did there?...Oaks & Ashes. 

Now, the title of my album isn't just on that level. There's a lot more to it than that. 

It's about life.

 It's about burning the old and coming through it as something stronger. 

This music is my strength and I'm giving it to you. 

This music has saved my life. This music is my oak tree. 

I want this album to come out not just so I can accomplish a dream and realize my talents. This isn't just some creation on my part to show you how good I can write and sing. This is my passion. This is my life.  I'm doing this so maybe, if you ever feel the way that I've felt, you can carry on. It's so I can be there with you when your soul feels like ashes. It's so I can be apart of your own growth. I want to be there for you in the only way I know how to be-through a song. 

But I do need your help. I need you in order to make this happen, and as humbly as I know how, I am asking for that help. 

Arresting Development

A few weeks ago I was walking around campus and saw a poster with Jeffery Tambor (aka: George Bluth Sr.) and promptly geeked out inside. 

I've been a fan of Arrested Development for a while. I've been into this show ever since it was on T.V. back in the day.

I had to go in late to his presentation because of class, but I got the majority of it. For me this presentation was perfect timing. 

There's something about listening to people who have struggled with creative passion and who have fought against convention to live their dreams. He inspired me. 

I've had my plans for my album Oaks & Ashes and have been working on it for a while. I started to feel stuck in the mud in my endeavors, though. But after hearing him speak a new energy entered my soul. It had to do with the answer to a question I asked him. 

I asked him, essentially, if the demons we all acquire in our lives ever go away. If the doubt, fear that comes from hurtful experiences fade out from our minds.

He said 'No.'

Quickly, firmly, directly. He looked right at me and said it. 

'No.'

For some reason that didn't scare me. It invigorated me. It took me away from fear. 

Let me explain why. 

It took away my excuse. 

It took away the power of those thoughts. 

They're always going to be there- so screw them! I'm gonna do what I want anyway! I'm done wasting my energy on eliminating the thing that won't be eliminated.

I think apart of me thought that I'd never be ready for my dreams if my demons stuck around. Apart of me always thought that I couldn't move forward until I never doubted myself- until I became the picture of perfect confidence. 

But those experiences, those 'demons' - they shaped me. Those experiences in my youth that tore me down created melodies and words that strike, move and form something beautiful.

So screw my seemingly unmovable feet. 

Screw trying to please everyone. 

My dreams are for my hands and I'll be damned if I watch them float away while under the illusion that I need permission from those around me to take it.

That will never happen.

So I'm doing my Kickstarter. I'm making my album. 

I'm tremendously excited and grateful for the people who have donated and will donate. 

They are a part of my dream now and I'm excited for them and for me. 

I am also extremely grateful for Jeffery Tambor. 

His words helped change my world. 

And my world is going to be incredible.

Kicking Myself

 I'm sitting here at work stressed beyond compare.I going to school full-time, I work as a receptionist, I'm recording this new album 'Oaks & Ashes', playing shows, and just overall music work.  Each task in and of itself would keep me busy, but add them all together and, well, good-bye boys brave an attempt to take me out. 

I was just with my producer Rob LeCheminant yesterday. We're re-working 'Best Thing' and I'm listening to the latest mix right now. It's a great song, but it still needs work. 

Always more work. 

I can handle it, though. I think. One thing that really stresses me out, though - paying for all of this. I sent my producer another payment for a song yesterday. To be quite honest I'm hardly paying him enough, but it's more than all I have. I wanted to do this independently, but I've realized that quality has a price. It's already cost more than half of my savings account (by the end I'm sure it'll claim all of it) and it's also cost independence. 

Hello, childhood room, so glad to see you again. My parents are very glad to have me back. 

So it's all come to this. It's all come to this thing I was hoping I wouldn't have to do. I'm doing a Kickstarter. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. If I get these funds I'll be able to make SUCH a fantastic product! I'll be able to spread my music everywhere- this amazing music that I'm writing and Rob is producing. I giggle nearly every time we work together. This is by far my best work. 

I'm really am so thrilled about 'Oaks & Ashes'. Rob has more of a instrumental/electronic sound then I have my acoustic folk/pop sounds and the combination brings this album somewhere between Regina Spektor and St. Vincent. 

So I'm at work. Going through everything I can in order to make this Kickstarter as good as I can make it. I've been sitting on it for months and the release is coming soon. It has to come soon. Next week soon! My heart is pounding just thinking about it! 

That first step into the dark is terrifying and thrilling at the same time. 

I Doubt It

I feel like July is a month best spent in Utah. In Utah July has fireworks shows and BBQ's to spare. Not only do we have the 4th, but we also have the 24th - Pioneer Day! (or, for those ever so 'rebellious' Utah sorts - 'Pie'n'beer day). We celebrate it like we celebrate the 4th, parades, fireworks, BBQ's, friends and family. For me this is the greatest thing ever.

This year I was able to meet some new friends down in Orem. Now, let me tell you about these people. They're straight up amazing. One of the girls was a former back-up singer for Gladys Knight. Then there's this girl, that girl, this guy, that guy and the other guy. I was blown away. We were at the apartment of some friends and with all the night performances, chords being played in magnificent progressions and notes being hit in ways I didn't think  possible, I felt like I was in musical heaven! Their songs were soulful and honest. The impromptu harmonies and connection they had with each other made the air buzz in a particular way that I can't quite describe. The entire evening could have been recorded and sold. 

These people have more talent in their pinky toe than I do in my entire body. 

I sat there on the couch experiencing all of this and leaned over to the boy sitting next to me, whispering to him that there was no way I'd be singing that night in front of these people. So, naturally, 5 minutes after that conversation another person in the group volunteered me to share a song. 

I cannot remember another time in my life where I have felt more nervous. A year ago I opened for Ryan Shupe & the Rubber Band for Farmington City's 24th celebration. I played for a thousand or more. That was fine. That was fun. This? This was terrifying. I was shaking. They handed me the guitar - but how could I play with my hands in this state? How could my vocal chords reach their notes with all of the added vibrato? I tried to think of a song I wouldn't be terrible at playing. Something that could even remotely come close to what I had just heard. 

I wanted to cry, but laughed like a fool instead. 

I started a song.

Shoot. 

I forgot about how high those notes are.

I can't do that - not the same way that they could.

I crack. 

I falter.

I laugh liked a fool, apologize and try again.

I crack again.

Worse this time. 

So much for good impressions. 

I ask to do another song. The barrier of the piano looks nice - I go behind it. I do a cover and ask them to sing with me, these sweet people agree to. I hope they drown out the extra vibrato I'm sporting.

I had never felt so talentless in my life. Any and all confidence I had in myself was diminished. Their soft harmonies out shone my strongest notes.

My worst fears had been realized. What I suspected to be true was now proven to be true, against all my hopefully wishing. 

I'm a fake.

I watched other people play after me. The guitar mocked me while I watched its neck being held with steadier hands and swifter fingers. The keys I touched only tolerated my limited knowledge. My voice retreated in complete embarrassment.

My critic from all those years ago came back to my mind.

She was right.

"Just stop trying."

"You know you suck, right?"

I don't blame her. I don't think she remembers what she said. I don't think she knew how much I would remember every syllable.

She was right.

All the people who said they believe in me...they probably just don't know what else is out there. They don't know how easily my light can be consumed by those around me.

They just don't know.

I fell into a depression after that night.

I couldn't sleep.

My head hurt.

With all this thinking reason found its way back into my mind.

*

What am I doing?

 What is this? What has overcome me?

Pride. Selfish pride.

It whispered in my ear, flattered my deepest insecurities and I listened.

Pride pushes those around us down. My pride pushes me down. My pride feeds my fear.

It competes. 

That's not from God.

Music - this thing that is so ingrained in me, this thing I can't stop doing.

That is from God.

My talent, my value, and what I can give - all of that isn't dependent on who is around me. None if it changes because someone else is talented, has value and has something to give. 

Everyone has talent. Everyone has value. Everyone can give.

So now what?

I'll never sound like those new friends I met on the 24th. It's just not me. But guess what? They can never sound like me either. It's just not them.  

 I still have my talent, I still have my value, I can still give. 

Each of us have our roles, and together we make the harmonies.

So I'll let go of this pride the best I can and get back to work.

Photo credit: Nicole Allen

Success.

I'm sitting here on my living room floor alone, headphones on listening to the latest mixes from the studio. This step in the recording process is SO much harder than I want it to be. I hate my voice in these moments. I hate going through each note, cringing at every bit that flirts with being flat or sharp. Every note that might be a millisecond off. Every moment of this is torture to me. 

Is my voice too loud? Too soft? Piano mix going alright? Were those lyrics too personal...was that weird? This is legit torture. These amazing headphones I have cancel out all outside noise so between each track I can only hear my own racing heart while I try to get over the micromanagement of my musical flaws. My goodness. My voice. My ridiculous voice. Who will listen to this? 

Doubts. Oh doubts. I'm so good at doubting. I'm so good at picking myself apart. 

Do you ever do that? Just doubt everything you've done, everything that you're doing- claim failure as your constant companion even though the race isn't over yet? I do. It's a pretty bad habit. 

I was thinking, though, what is success exactly? I've never really thought of myself as a success. Why not? Well, this blog post looks pretty plain, doesn't it? Other people could make a better looking one. I'm ridiculously horrible at marketing my own music. I'm not really in my career yet (even though I've been working on it for a while), I'm not married, no kids- in Utah being 27 with this tragic track record, well, people start questioning what's wrong with you. Hm. What a beautiful thing. 

But would I really be successful if I had all those things? If I had a husband, a kid, a booming music career that helped keep my bank account ever in the green. If that were the case I'd probably have a house. I'd, at the very least, have matching dishes and utensils that I didn't buy for .50 cents at a garage sale. That would be success, right? 

I don't know. 

What is success? 

Is it having money. Is it having a title? Is it having the image of perfection? 

I don't think so. 

I think that maybe it has more to do with who you are when everything is striped away. I think that, for me, success is being able to look myself in the eye and be okay. Does it matter that I don't actually own any furniture other than the twin bed I sleep on (which was donated to me) and the vanity that my mom got me at a garage sale in high school? Naw. I don't take that with me. I can look myself in the eye. 

So maybe I shouldn't be as worried about every detail of my voice. Maybe I should forget about the perfection and focus on the influence I want to have with my music. I don't sing for myself. I sing for you. I need to focus on that. I'll keep the soul in, and take the perfection out. 

My constant companion. 

Video of some studio time.

Greetings

I'm starting on a fresh foot. I have had another blog that I've updated infrequently, I plan on keeping up with this one, however. It will document my musical adventures, dating adventures and whatever other adventures I may have the desire to go on. 

Just some basics about me- I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20, single and Mormon living in Utah. I'm apart of a rising demographic, but some people still think there must be something wrong with me. 

When proper words fail me, I add a melody to my broken sentences and call it a song. I sing these songs to people. They tend to like them, and so I find a stage to be a welcome and sought after companion. 

I am I. I am me. Enjoy what I have to say unfiltered and honestly.