Change

The only thing that is constant in life is change. 

I think that saying is meant to comfort us- but I remain uneasy. But not in the way you might think. 

I want that to be true. Sometimes the most dreary reality of my life is the lack of change. I am so used to the same view out my front window. I am so incredibly familiar with the drive to school and work. I know so well the feeling of falling in and out of love. I am intimately aware of the way the lives of those around me change whilst I stay the same. 

I think the most frustrating thing about it all is how familiar I am with the effort I put into changing. All the effort I put into realizing long-held dreams. I'm so frustratingly familiar with the disappointment of failure and unmet expectations. A constant, unchanging chase. 

I find myself filling my days with thoughts with 'if only'. 

If only I graduated sooner.

If only I were married.

If only I were smarter.

If only I were more attractive.

If only I had more money. 

...I could go on and on...

When I feel this way I am often reminded of a scripture in the Bible. Philippians 4:12

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. "*

I think that the attempt to follow that scripture may be the crucible of my life. How is that done? How can that possibly be done? How can I be content with the disaster that is me and my unchanging life?

Maybe it starts with not thinking that I'm a disaster- however constant I feel my weaknesses strive against me. 

Maybe it starts in believing in God. 

Not just a 'Oh,yeah. He exists' - REALLY believing in Him. Believing that He is loving- but not just that. Believing that He loves me. Because, if He loves me, well, that changes everything. If He loves me that means he is aware of me and my efforts. If He loves me that means I can trust him. It means I am not alone. It means I can be content, because there is a lesson in every situation. It means that fear can stop ruling my life. Because, when it comes down to it, all those 'if only' statements just come form a place of fear. Not faith.

That love, though. It can be hard to see and feel.

So, I guess I'll start with hope and go from there. 

*** The scripture I quoted I found on an online Christian Bible. It is from the New International translation of the Bible. King James version goes like this: Philippians 4: 11-12 

"...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need."

You can find other translations of this verse here.  For those of you who only want LDS exclusive information you can find talks referencing that scripture here and here .

Past

I don't know what it is about Wednesdays- but they always seem to be the days where things happen. These past few months they've become the holy grail days for album work with Rob.

Our last session together I came in, said hi to his cat, sat down and we decided to tackle a song I'd been avoiding a bit. I feel like this song exposes me in the worst ways and I hardly believe that I'm sharing it. It's about the Atonement and forgiving yourself- two things I've always struggled with. Once we put down some solid tracks for the song things took off a bit and has turned into something incredible.

There's something about this song. I remember when I wrote it. I was living in an apartment in Bountiful. I came home from work one day and it just slid out of me. Within 20 min the song was done. My roommate Tara was the first person I ever showed this song to- I think I played it for her when the song was only an hour old. 

This song, as it turns out, carries a heavy bass that flirts with a techno flare. It stars out with piano bass notes, some drums and my vocals then it builds and builds until it reaches the end stanza, where it all drops off to just me and my piano. It's perfect. It makes the meaning more powerful than words alone could ever do. 

Every time we work on a song it becomes my new favorite. Right now this one is my favorite. I can't wait to show it to you!! Oaks and Ashes 2015!!!