I Doubt It

I feel like July is a month best spent in Utah. In Utah July has fireworks shows and BBQ's to spare. Not only do we have the 4th, but we also have the 24th - Pioneer Day! (or, for those ever so 'rebellious' Utah sorts - 'Pie'n'beer day). We celebrate it like we celebrate the 4th, parades, fireworks, BBQ's, friends and family. For me this is the greatest thing ever.

This year I was able to meet some new friends down in Orem. Now, let me tell you about these people. They're straight up amazing. One of the girls was a former back-up singer for Gladys Knight. Then there's this girl, that girl, this guy, that guy and the other guy. I was blown away. We were at the apartment of some friends and with all the night performances, chords being played in magnificent progressions and notes being hit in ways I didn't think  possible, I felt like I was in musical heaven! Their songs were soulful and honest. The impromptu harmonies and connection they had with each other made the air buzz in a particular way that I can't quite describe. The entire evening could have been recorded and sold. 

These people have more talent in their pinky toe than I do in my entire body. 

I sat there on the couch experiencing all of this and leaned over to the boy sitting next to me, whispering to him that there was no way I'd be singing that night in front of these people. So, naturally, 5 minutes after that conversation another person in the group volunteered me to share a song. 

I cannot remember another time in my life where I have felt more nervous. A year ago I opened for Ryan Shupe & the Rubber Band for Farmington City's 24th celebration. I played for a thousand or more. That was fine. That was fun. This? This was terrifying. I was shaking. They handed me the guitar - but how could I play with my hands in this state? How could my vocal chords reach their notes with all of the added vibrato? I tried to think of a song I wouldn't be terrible at playing. Something that could even remotely come close to what I had just heard. 

I wanted to cry, but laughed like a fool instead. 

I started a song.

Shoot. 

I forgot about how high those notes are.

I can't do that - not the same way that they could.

I crack. 

I falter.

I laugh liked a fool, apologize and try again.

I crack again.

Worse this time. 

So much for good impressions. 

I ask to do another song. The barrier of the piano looks nice - I go behind it. I do a cover and ask them to sing with me, these sweet people agree to. I hope they drown out the extra vibrato I'm sporting.

I had never felt so talentless in my life. Any and all confidence I had in myself was diminished. Their soft harmonies out shone my strongest notes.

My worst fears had been realized. What I suspected to be true was now proven to be true, against all my hopefully wishing. 

I'm a fake.

I watched other people play after me. The guitar mocked me while I watched its neck being held with steadier hands and swifter fingers. The keys I touched only tolerated my limited knowledge. My voice retreated in complete embarrassment.

My critic from all those years ago came back to my mind.

She was right.

"Just stop trying."

"You know you suck, right?"

I don't blame her. I don't think she remembers what she said. I don't think she knew how much I would remember every syllable.

She was right.

All the people who said they believe in me...they probably just don't know what else is out there. They don't know how easily my light can be consumed by those around me.

They just don't know.

I fell into a depression after that night.

I couldn't sleep.

My head hurt.

With all this thinking reason found its way back into my mind.

*

What am I doing?

 What is this? What has overcome me?

Pride. Selfish pride.

It whispered in my ear, flattered my deepest insecurities and I listened.

Pride pushes those around us down. My pride pushes me down. My pride feeds my fear.

It competes. 

That's not from God.

Music - this thing that is so ingrained in me, this thing I can't stop doing.

That is from God.

My talent, my value, and what I can give - all of that isn't dependent on who is around me. None if it changes because someone else is talented, has value and has something to give. 

Everyone has talent. Everyone has value. Everyone can give.

So now what?

I'll never sound like those new friends I met on the 24th. It's just not me. But guess what? They can never sound like me either. It's just not them.  

 I still have my talent, I still have my value, I can still give. 

Each of us have our roles, and together we make the harmonies.

So I'll let go of this pride the best I can and get back to work.

Photo credit: Nicole Allen